Short News 2024

NOVEMBER 2024 – UPDATE

THERE ARE NO ASTRAL SPIDERS. (They are shadow cephalopods)

A team from Oregon State University recently announced that the term and classification of Astral Spiders, those shadowy entities that have been infesting the homeless camp on the edge of town, is entirely incorrect. “There are no astral spiders. There is no such thing. This is utterly imagined and put into people’s heads by popular media.”

The team in an 85 page report have reclassified the shadow beings as a type of cephalopod, an eight legged octopus or something from the muluska family. “It’s a common mistake because of the eight out stretched legs to imagine that they are from the arachnid / spider family. Some also indicate a ‘sticky’ residue or that they have a sticky nature – but this also lends itself to not correctly identifying the creatures as does their shadow non-corporal nature.”

When asked if they would return to the forest to study the shadow creatures the team could not be reached for comment. A member of the team said off the record, “FUCK NO, WE’RE NEVER GOING BACK TO WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT WAS. FUCK THAT.”

The strong reaction of the researchers should be taken into consideration when considering the seriousness of this infestation.

SEPTEMBER 2024 – GENERAL NEWS

Review: Thompson’s Drive Through Animal Park – See and Feed Real Wild Animals!

NOW FEATURING ELEPHANTS SEPT. 29 2024

At first glance, we thought the place was closing forever. The burned out blond teen girl that cashed us out could really use some social skills. No greeting, no explanation, no please or thank you, and in the gift shop: she rolled her eyes at us. The other cashier girl was much warmer and polite but may have been animatronic.

Pros: honestly, the seagulls stole the show for us. They are well aware that they will be fed by the humans in the car and they gang up on you, and it’s hilarious. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. They covered every square inch of our car and shit all over the windshield! There was a nice mixture of wild animals to come across to such as crows, mule deer, squirrels, and the park itself is huge! It seemed to never end. I recommend getting the 6 cups of feed (or more!!) because you will need it.

Cons: Obviously the bitchy blond girl. The roads have major cracks, potholes and missing chunks, so unless you have a sedan, I wouldn’t advise that you drive it. You’re better off in an SUV or truck that can handle traction and steep slopes. My partner and I had serious concerns about the “Arctic wolf” enclosure, the cow enclosure, the sparrow enclosure and the white tiger/liger enclosure. IF that’s an Arctic wolf, it did look exactly like a Border Collie, but I’m no expert so maybe it really was a wolf. The White Tiger / Liger looked dead, but it may have been a stuffed animal put into a cage, the kangaroos looked exactly like squirrels. Low-key, I wish the state would investigate this place. The products sold were overpriced items you could buy from Amazon or Temu. We were also very confused by the random, decrepit train cars decaying in the parking lot section and the rusty barrels with radio active symbols on them. Park could use a little clean up.

As we were driving down rougher and more tediously narrow strips of road through a pasture that stretched on forever, we started smelling smoke and hearing a terrible commotion. It was like the screech of iron, the whaling of a hundred banshees, it had a pain unbearable embedded into it and soared and raged like the ocean. We were seeing deer run past the car towards the fence desperate to escape. We were on the single track and I could tell my partner was getting good and nervous peering out through the windshield smear of seagull shit to find anywhere at all to turn around.

About the time my blood pressure was about to boil over he goes, “oh wow! A fire, let’s get closer.” A fire. A mother fucking fire. I told him – let’s get the fuck out of here. Now. But that motherfucker just bounced us along in the Honda towards this god-damn fire. By that time I can see flames and the noise is unbearable. He stops, and we get out, deer are running past us now not even scared of us, like they don’t see us at all.

I’m staring into the smoke and fire and I see a couple of really large elephants, one is down on the ground looking dead and the other one is making this noise, and I realize it must be in horrible pain having lost its mate. Its eyes were bright red like a ruby, which I thought was the reflection of flames. It stayed right beside the downed elephant. I recall seeing on Animal Planet channel that elephants have devotion and loyalty to each other equal or above what we humans have, and as it stood by its downed loved one amid the fire I felt my eyes tear up for its obvious emotional pain.

It’s mate or friend moved a little, it wasn’t dead after all! Maybe there was hope if we got a fire department team and veterinarians out immediately! I stood there staring, and the elephant was making this heart-wrenching noise like every ache and pain a person could ever have in their lifetime cried out in a blast of its bellow….but wait….

The other elephant thrashed trying to move, trying to get away….and I realized, the other elephant wasn’t in emotional shock and pain – it was mad. It was so fucking angry that its eyes turned even brighter red and that is when the lasers shot forth and fucking took the head off the other elephant. It then pointed it’s eyes at several deer that went down instantly as the surrounding grass erupting into flames.

I took off my high heels and started running. I didn’t stop, I never turned around to look, I didn’t try to catch my breath, I didn’t think about anything. Fuck, I didn’t know I was athletic. I didn’t even stop to tell my partner to run or get the hell out of there, for all I know he’s still there watching a “wild-fire” like a god-damn idiot. This was entirely his fucking stupid idea. I ran and ran, at least eight miles back to the gift shop by then my feet were a mess of blisters, blood and splinters.

The blond girl would not refund the ticket. She said they had just put in the Elephant installation the day before and had not had any complaints. She rolled her eyes.

Overall, I would recommend the park for a family that wants to be pooped on by seagulls, but don’t have high expectations, wear track shoes and definitely don’t come in your Honda Civic.

SEPTEMBER 2024 PAID ENDORSEMENT, PRESENTED BY THE CPPP OF AMERICA

Dysmal Nitch’s Fred Meyers Store Installing New ‘RED OLIVE GUARD’ DEI-Self-Checkout

(ppssssst — don’t call it Marxism.)

“The Self-Checkout system will eventually replace the Clerk system; this is an objective law independent of Man’s will. However much the reactionaries try to hold back the wheel of history, sooner or later revolution will take place and will inevitably triumph.”

Someone Named Mao at Kroger DURING MERGER MEETING DISCUSSION ALLEGEDLY

Marcy Koppins simply wanted to purchase a bag of grapes that were on sale at her local super market. In the self-checkout she opened her purse to pay for the grapes that she had placed in her resuable-recycled-bag in the bagging area when the alarm began: Rrrrra, Rrrrra, Raaaaaa!!!!!! 🚨🚨🚨Soon a bland androgenous person appeared who stepped in front of her to bring up a video on the screen to show her what she had done wrong.

The video was broadcast across all the store screens simulataneously. People glanced her way as it showed her putting her hand in her purse and messing around with something inside. Additionally Marcy was rather pale and suspicious.

“Ma’am you opened your purse at the end of the transaction, do you mind telling us why?” Two other people had appeared behind the first neatly dressed and a terse look on their faces. Their identities and even gender were impossible to tell but the drab vaguely military uniforms were tidy and emblazoned with acroynyms and letters she was unfamiliar with.

Marcy had braved the humungous store that purposefully had no benches to rest, her Rhuematoid arthritis was killing her, and she baddly wanted to get out of the line so she blurted unwisely, “I keep my wallet in my purse, I simply wanted to pay for the grapes.” The people in the olive uniforms exchanged dark looks.

“She simply wanted to pay.” One said softly. “Interesting excuse.”

“So you deny that you opened your purse despite the video evidence?” The first man spoke in a whisper that she had trouble hearing. People were starting to leave the line quietly and quickly leaving their carts behind.

Has this happened to you? Up to 67% of shoppers admit to having an unplanned for stop during checkout for an impromptu ‘Struggle Session’ with mysterious employees dedicated to enforcing a new and fairer store regime that will restore equity and freedom.

In this day in age in America this is being seen in a more and more positive light, “A Grocery store “Struggle Session” is a form of public reconciliation, a healing of old wounds related to grocery line oppressive wait times.”

— Quora Communist trying to excuse the mass murder inconvenience of innocent people under Mao Kroger Allegegdly.

Marcy was given a trial date to appear before the diversity council where she is told they would set mutual goals for her shopping in the future. “I’m scared to death,” she confided in us. “I keep dreaming about packing up in the middle of the night and leaving everything behind and fleeing. I think they’re watching my house.”

The staff asked Marcy to fill out a one-hundred-page survey when she was released to collect information on her demographic. Analytics surveys attitudes and opinions about diversity, equity, belonging, and inclusion. It allows store staff to be able to see at a glance if their efforts in redressing certain behaviors have been successful and where they could improve. 

Remember, whatever your organization’s goals, it’s important to celebrate each accomplishment, each corrected person. Progress increases enthusiasm and generates momentum for the next goal along your DEI-Checkout journey.  

TECH MANUAL FOR SELF-CHECKOUT MACHINE RAZR-5-00 from MISTUMI CORP

The stores over all goal is to root out resistance and clarify the reasons they exist as well as documenting the demographic data of those who defy and complain about the self-checkout model. This is a data driven approach. Some people just experience DEI-checkout fatigue or need further guidance. Our goal, again, is to overcome all resistance and that begins by identifying problem people and holding struggle listening sessions.

We couldn’t reach Marcy after her listening session, but were told it went well and to keep up with her and encourage her in the future that an app had been installed on her phone. “It makes it fun! People who use this app collect points and can level up. It generates a social credit score that is good for discounts at minority owned shops.”

[This app] changed where I was going to pick up food, the books I was reading, the videos I was watching, the seminars I attended,” says Gary, President and CEO of a company.

In the future this app will be required in all grocery chains to check out to make the tracking fun available for everyone.

AUGUST 2024 GUEST POST

Dysmal Nitch Finally Hires Constable

The police station which has sat empty for some time, after the last batch inexplicably wandered away near the woods on the edge of town, has a new constable. Psychic Officer Evans (also may referred to as: Police Chief Evans / Constable Evans and Commander Tim Evans or just Tim) our new psychic officer comprises a one man squad and holds every position available. He wasted no time when he began work today.

“I’ve been writing a lot of tickets. I just need to establish eye contact and then it comes to me, I see in my mind what that person needs and I write the movie ticket.”

We went on a ride along with Officer Evans. We stopped by the waterfront mall and walked around. A blond haired girl looked up from her phone and he pulled out his ticket pad immediately and scribbled furiously.

“Here, this is a ticket. I need you to go see an Adam Sandler movie…hmm, I see you picking, ‘Happy Gilmore’. They’re re-airing some classic comedies at the Movie Plex. You must report between 2pm – 8pm within the next three days.” She frowned.

“Can’t I just pay you some money?” She inquired. Officer Evans frowned.

“Absolutely not. That’s the ticket. Now report to watch that comedy. … you’ll feel better, also your cat will come home. A lady has it locked in her RV, but it will get out and run home. Keep him inside and buy a collar.” She visibly brightens.

“Thanks Officer! I’ll go right now!”

Having a psychic police department writing movie tickets is an experimental program began in Dysmal Nitch but has implications nation wide.

AUGUST 2024 Chemtrails Explained Finally

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Please Stop Questioning The Chemtrails

Recently I have noticed several stories posted in our local news about the supposed dangers of having ever-present military craft spraying unknown substances above our homes. I wanted to tell everyone to stop this conspiracy nonsense! This is simply a case of people not catching up to the technology. This is, you see, what is now called, ‘The Cloud’ in which information is being stored. The more people that use The Cloud – the more clouds that are needed.

Many people want to use Microsoft Office 365 but then complain and whine when a DC-10 sprays their home with barium! What even is barium? You can’t understand it, so why worry about it?

These days our top gun spy pilots have only to fly over Russia and go through the clouds hovering over St. Petersburg to find evil Mr. Putin’s secret files and go through them! That’s the beauty of having all information housed in The Cloud!

So next time you see something like this overhead rapidly turning into a cloud formation:

Instead of acting like a panicked peasant unable to remember if it’s caesium-133 or caesium-137 and ponder which dog de-wormer is reported to cure cancer — how about instead pausing to appreciate the remarkable advancement that allows us to access our photos (and our enemies information!) from The Cloud!

JULY 2024 Based on a true story.

FUMIGATION SUGGESTED FOR CRACK HYDRA TERRORIZING NEIGHBORHOOD IN NEARBY OREGON

You’ve seen them, they walk up and down the road from their camp to the drug house every few hours twenty-four hours a day and when one is removed, two take its place.

“I felt safer in downtown Saigon during the Vietnam war than I do here!”

-83 year old veteran In effected community

The Crack Hydra is most active in the summer months culminating in its mating season mid-August. Although not often seen in economically advantaged neighborhoods they can sometimes take root in communities with empty homes of deceased residents or those who have gone to a nursing home, low-income housing, abandoned structures, RV’s, storage sheds, and other warm, densely packed garbage areas.

“What we look for is garbage mulch. That’s where the Crack Hydra flourishes and lays its eggs. An abandoned hoarder house is the perfect nesting site and unfortunately over the river in Hannard the state of the property was such that several Hydras were able to move in and over time expand their nest to where now it’s a real problem” said Jonathan Archer retired Star Fleet captain and consulting pest control supervisor for the city.

“We don’t like to see residents take matters into their own hands but unfortunately a lot of times we have issues with residents feeding, pitying, or providing for the Hydra unaware of the festering destruction they can unleash in a very short amount of time, anything from fires, poisonous fumes, open sewage, cooking and consuming crack, elicit behavior after consuming crack, the introduction of a wide assortment of crime including prostitution and grand theft auto to even more mundane crimes like the collection and neglect of aggressive breed dogs left unaltered (neutered) and allowed to starve, roam the streets and kill local pets.”

“By the time the residents realize that the issue is out of control, usually eggs are laid, thus ensuring the problem will resume the next year seamlessly. “

But what about control? We heard a united neighborhood front was mounted against the Crack Hydra by a group of concerned residents, can you comment on that?

“This was probably the worst possible outcome because for each head of the Crack Hydra that is severed, two take its place. And each one of those heads is capable of the entire range of activities from repetitively raking a driveway for no apparent reason, collecting batteries, climbing ladders to a roof top repeatedly and without a point, prostitution, animal hoarding, massive amounts of garbage gathering, public defecation and indecency, drug dealing, and roaming the neighborhood at 3 am hallucinating.”

“We’re currently looking at fumigating the nest. We’ve given the crack hydra a 90 day notice to clear out. Then we’ll post another sign warning it that it definitely is required to stop nesting in the neighborhood. If that doesn’t happen – after all our warnings and trips out to inspect the nest site we will institute measures to begin the 120 day warning towards fumigation and that’s a very serious threat.”

Sir, why hasn’t that happened previously? This nest has been established over four years.

“Has it? We don’t know that for sure, you can’t just say things like that. I wish you wouldn’t pry into this matter. The Crack Hydra has every right to exist.”

Sir, is it true you are going out and visiting the Crack Hydra for extended periods over the weekend in a non-city vehicle?

“Can you let me speak? Can you?! CAN YOU STOP INTERRUPTING ME! We will continue to monitor the situation – you need to stop taking photos, documenting and watching the Crack Hydra nest. It’s none of your business. Why are you over there? Why are you provoking the Crack Hydra?”

Sir, are you sure you’re uh’ not on crack or pills…or otherwise hypnotized by the Crack Hydra?

“Look, I’m only talking to you right now to warn you to stop messing with the Crack Hydra.”

Sir, are you threatening me?

“STOP INTERRUPTING! You need to stop harassing the Hydra and the nest right now and let us do our job. Didn’t I mention the fumigation? I mentioned it right? How can you doubt US the government, I’m official, I’m very official, and you’re interrupting and you don’t respect anyone. All you care about is YOUR yard not harboring a bunch of garbage. All I hear is you whining on about how you don’t want your home burned down, your pets attacked, the smell of raw putrid feces on a warm July day, and public fucking — you seem to have a problem with everyone!

Sir, you realize this is a retirement community and working class blue collar citizens….

“I’ve had it with you! You’re entitled oppressiveness is what leads to Crack Hydras!”

So there you have it. There may be some action taken at some point but we are no longer allowed to ask about it or a time line or inquire in any way or take photos of the Crack Hydra nest although we will continue to do so and update you on this story.

JULY 2024 – LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Sky Whales: Not the Target!

Dear Editor, in your short news for January 2024, “Save the Sky Whales” you mentioned that certain aerial spraying efforts on behalf of our benevolent over lords were done to subdue and drive them out of our skies! These colorful majestic creatures that deserve our respect and protection! In no way has any action been taken against the sky whales.

As a member of the deep state and a regular to Bohemian Grove, Club of Rome, WEF’s Davos shindigs and also the Nancy Pelosi Drug Cult of California [NPDCC]— I need to set the record straight, we are not trying to poison the sky whales! My group controls 99% of all conservation groups globally and we are not, I repeat, NOT poisoning the sky whales!

The spraying of aluminum, barium, cesium, and sulfur is primarily intended to kill humans reveal the presence of shadow people. The shadow people have been widely reported in the forests around the PNW and in particular Dysmal Nitch. They are difficult to see, many report seeing them as a shadow out of the corner of their eye. By spraying a bunch of bullshit harmless material into the upper atmosphere we hope to reveal and study the shadow people presence so that we can propose a conservation strategy at our next occult sex-drug-pedo meeting.

We would hope that you would add a disclaimer after each and every story of this type telling people they should most definitely not go to CorbettReport.com or MediaMonarchy.com. And people interested in what is actually happening should never, ever, under any circumstances follow the work of Catherine Fitz. Only terrible wrong-thinkers who hate sex-drug-occult-pedos visit such web sites! If you will simply include the disclaimer after each of your scandalous stories full of untruths and conspiracy theories we will potentially spare you from the coming apocalypse we have planned for 2030.

The sky whales will be saved!

Sincerely, Deep State Operative Jimmy .O.

EDITORIAL REPLY: Dearest Jimmy, we are deeply sorry for any errors in reporting the story of poisoning the sky whales. Best wishes at your next occult gathering and good luck contacting the shadow people.

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JUNE 2024

ALIEN INVASION OF SEATTLE & PORTLAND MEETS ZERO RESISTANCE: SUFFERS HORRENDOUS DEFEAT

“We had weapons ready to go, we expected an armada to meet us head on, we were ready to die. What we found was that Seattle and Portland have an insidious defense to which we had no answer.”

— Orx, Supreme Commander of Alien Fleet

Supreme Commander Orx look downcast as we discussed what he considered his greatest mistake and defeat since he had been cloned a millennia ago.

“My sub-commander is smoking pills every day. Half the crew we arrived with are located within a Seattle park tent city using drugs. A few are in a trailer park running what they call, ‘a lab’ with who they call, ‘friends.’ When my battle hardened soldiers stop partying to take sustenance it’s your worlds processed food, they particularly enjoy pizza and something canine related – a hot dog. On my planet we don’t consume sodium but here it’s in everything in vast amounts so they’re retaining water like….as you have on earth … a water balloon”

“We have a very rigid societal order based on law and hierarchy. Now… now!? They’re shoplifting. Apparently that’s a thing here, people just go into a shop and take items without fair trade.”

“Worse than the drugs and the theft they now think of themselves as victims, helpless and held down by ambiguous authority figures. Currently, my lieutenants moan on about oppression and something they call, ‘select nationalism’ and ‘weaponized hierarchy’. When I tell them our proud culture created our space faring society to restore their faith, they tell me it’s a ‘toxic regime.’ ”

“My hope was that the earthlings would attack with viciousness suddenly and shock my droopy eyed troops with their hot dog bloat into remembering we’re a proud collective! We’re an invasion force of hardened warriors. But the local earthlings spend an inordinate amount of time reaffirming that my warrior crew are indeed victims of oppression who are missing out on the riches of the Universe due to our natural and time honored hierarchy, and they shouldn’t have to do anything whatsoever – ever. They have even told them they should just reap the rewards of planet invasion without ever invading!”

“These humans help my warriors obtain tents to live in, endless buckets of processed food items, and access to every sort of drug. They’ve enabled my entire army to self-destruct. The warriors think they’ve discovered freedom while becoming mired and enslaved.”

“I’ve battled many enemies, always loyal to my superiors, but even I have begun to question our cause. I mean, life, just one pointless battle after another, and for what? A bit of new ground, plunder that I never get to enjoy! I’ve had a lot of trouble even getting out of the pod in the morning and have no excitement for the takeover the way I used to which makes me suspect I have become infected with the rot. The battle is a complete failure. I recommend this planet be off limits and quarantined.”

“Seattle and Portland are lost. Do not come here.”

JAN 2024

BOB THE RECYCLER.

The local thrift store has been giving jobs to people in need for the last six years since it was built, but one stand out man, BOB, has taken over the drop off donations.

BOB is a local legend. He analyzes each donation for its worthiness and also makes snap judgements.

“I can see why YOU are donating these free weight dumbbells” he says slowly and then chuckles. The overweight Mother of five looks embarrassed and shuffles off.

“Ma’am, nobody wants your stinky old shoes.” He says tossing the $150 like new Hoka One One shoes to one side. She tries to protest and tell him the shoes are valuable, but he dismisses it with a hand. “Keep your stinkies at home, I don’t want to touch them and nobody wants them.”

“Wow, this turkey cooker is huge. Why did you buy such a massive pot for just one use? Good grief.”

“A juicer? Really? You’re like massive dude. I can tell you never used this.”

Despite dropping rates of donations Bob has kept his job because they figure he is utterly unemployable. They’ve made a positive spin on it recently — “Look ultra woke-woke liberal-tire-fire Oregon strives for judgement free zones, but where can you go for a total stranger to loudly judge you for things you previously owned? We’re fulfilling a need.”

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JAN 2024

VEGETABLES BY THE FOOT

Vegans and omnivores rejoice in Vegetables by the foot. No longer will produce go bad in the fridge and contribute towards massive waste — use the veggies on your own schedule!

“I snip off a bit of the onion and garlic roll and stir it into my foot of broccoli for a stir-fry!”

Midwest US

People who may struggle using a knife to cut up a vegetable or find preparing vegetables overly time-consuming love this new convenient way of enjoying their favorites.

Fresh releases that are hitting the store shelves now include: CORN! And BEANS!

New combos planned in the future include: PEA-BEET-CAULIFLOWER, RADISH-LOVE!-SQUASH, TEMPTING-PUMPKIN-TAMARIND

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JAN 2024

STOP SPRAYING THE SKY WHALES

Remember growing up with checkerboard hazy skies with oily rainbow residue high above your head? No, I don’t either. They’re spraying the damn sky whales!

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AI generated images were rendered with Grok version 2 Flux Beta
The people in the AI photos are not real.