DECEMBER 2023
The Ja’BROOK INSTITUTE FOR ATHLETICISM WEST AFRICA, BACK TO PRIMITIVE NATURE
Tech giant Ja’Brook Stony has taken up rehabilitation here in Dysmal Nitch after a long stent abroad in Africa where he worked on developing novel natural techniques to increase testosterone and muscle building compounds while athletically training up to fourteen-hours per day in what he describes as primitive functional movement at his resort in the jungle of west Africa.
The tech mogul three years ago began shifting his attention to human potential calling the human body the ultimate tech kit and issuing a challenge on social media for the technical world to shift its attention to biological systems and ‘bio-hacking‘.
Although his hyperbole was met with skepticism and labelled a promotional front for his many companies, or a narcissistic need to stay in the spot light, he went on to invest a fortune in building a west African fitness resort where macho financial moguls and Hollywood elite could come and train in natural functional movement while in the evening enjoying the poolside which featured beautiful French blonds and an assortment of Hollywood actresses who controversially weren’t allowed to attend any athletic training sessions other than self-lead Yoga in the morning on the viewing platform.
Ja’Brook Stony has had his fair share of misogynist controversy as he represents what he’s calling a return to nature federation or online the ‘R2N Federation’ – favoring only beautiful women that fit his profile such as having long glossy hair and what he termed a ‘favorable temperament’.
The movement keeps gaining male members despite being a lightening rod for controversy. At the Institute it’s understood that the women should be sheltered and protected, mating with only the strongest men, and the women, waiting in the evening, were an incentive for endurance training throughout the day. Ja’Brook used the Institute for Athleticism West Africa as a chance to put his thoughts about the natural of man to the test.
From sun up until sun set all male participants were put through natural movement exercises in the jungle. From going up steep inclines, barefoot running, climbing rope and gathering fruit. Initially there was a lot of resistance, but within a few weeks many even shed their clothing preferring to go through the jungle naked. Inexplicably there became a clear distinction between two groups of males. Some barely seeing any progress and suffering dramatically while others like Ja’Brook literally transforming.
THE DIET:
“The fruitarian, or fruit, diet is a highly restrictive vegan diet. It excludes all animal products, including dairy. People following this program eat a diet consisting primarily of raw fruits.”
“Vegetables, dried fruits, nuts, and seeds can also be eaten in moderation.”
“Other types of food, such as grains, legumes, and tubers, are severely limited or eliminated completely. Cooked food of any kind, including cooked fruit, is avoided.”
HEALTHLINE
The men ate only raw plant food, mainly fruit and heart of palm. There was a bevy of supplements daily and small injections and this wasn’t disclosed outside of the Institute, which still claims on its web site to be free from pharmaceutical enhancements and stands by the graphic effects on Ja’Brook Stony was not MRNA technology, testosterone and steroidal creams but from staying out in the jungle and proving his hypothesis about the origins of man.
Some of the men claim to have no knowledge of any substances being handed out before bed or in the morning. “That makes sense though, the big guys kept getting larger. You could see it overnight. You would go out at dawn and the would be more muscled, hairy and ill tempered than the day before – while I was just wiped out. I needed three more hours of sleep and every muscle ached. These assholes would be eating banana after banana and kinda giggling as they did so. They were rude too – they made it a point to assert their dominance over the rest of us every chance they had, they called themselves the ALPHAS and we were I presumed the beta cucks just there to make them look superior. We weren’t allowed to talk to the women. Two weeks in, I was disillusioned, I couldn’t see the point of it anymore. It was all bullshit and my teeth were wiggling and loose after eating nothing but fucking fruit.” — Eric Rains, Professional Stunt Man who spent a month at the Institute.
Soon Ja’Brook had become unrecognizable. His skin was dark tan as usual but had become covered in hair that grew in thicker by the day. He went naked often and a few remarked that his genitalia and shrunk and pruned up and was barely noticeable. His teeth turned a vivid yellow some said.
According to witnesses off the record there was an incidence at the Institute Olympic sized swimming pool where Ja’Brook Stony accosted several women. Although he expected them to be keen and up for his advances it’s reported they screamed and ran away with Stony in a loping pursuit. By this point he had abandoned verbal communication and grunted and screamed, which many had thought was part of the program, but as he threw deck chairs and smashed glassware and paused only to grab a banana as he chased the young screaming women around – people began to suspect something had gone wrong.
No charges were filed, and all media was restricted by iron clad non-disclosure agreements, but he was flown back to the states for treatment and observation. Finally we were lucky enough to receive him in on Monday in a special flight from the San Diego Zoo.
Ja’Brook Stony may soon be teaching and lecturing on his techniques while in Dysmal Nitch. He has been setup in a posh outfitted cage enclosure near the park with an indoor section. Ropes, ladders, and stimulating natural fitness structures dot the enclosure, he’s been described as happy and playful. He has been provided with a top notch diet of whole plant foods. The bars are for his protection from the ever curious public and paparazzi.
Unfortunately for Ja’Brook Stony his wife of four and a half years has filed for divorce.
DECEMBER 2023
ALL EMPLOYEES WILL BE GLUTEN FREE
“I’m going to be very firm that we’ve got to be enforcing these laws, because if you don’t enforce the laws, people don’t follow them, you don’t have a civilization,” he said.
Michael Shellenberger
“Look, I’m in an alternate reality and I don’t have much time to talk”….Emily stares around, a person with a large red cart whisking briskly down an isle asks where the Peanut Butter is located, but actually the popular local grocery store keeps Peanut Butter in three different locations for no known reason. She has to make the call…”Isle 3” she says thinking the family sized jars might serve the person better than the smaller curated organics. “Okay we’re good, but I’ll have to rush through this because we’re going to have a jazz meeting where we all have to get jazzed up for our customers…anyway…”
“In my time line Michael Shellenberger ran for governor of California and his platform had to do with homelessness and how run down the state was getting and this was, oh, I don’t know 2018 or something. In California his platform went something like, ‘he wants to ramp up forced psychiatric care and arrests of drug users and dealers‘ [1] I recall that because I thought forced psychiatric care could be … oh, used on political opponents, people who might want bodily autonomy when it comes to health decisions — you know it could go very wrong and trusting government to get it right is something I’m not willing to do. I had a bad feeling about him. That’s the only reason I recall that guy, I can’t even remember what he looks like.”
“It’s all about carrots and sticks. Consequence …,” he said. “You might be brought in front of a psychiatrist. You might be given a ticket. It’s going to depend.”
Michael Shellenberger
“I have been sick for awhile, it comes and goes and has a thousand vague and annoying symptoms and I keep going to doctors but it’s no use. I have abdominal cramping and no matter how much pain I’m in they say it’s IBS. I have spent thousands of dollars on supplements.”
“In this time line Shellenberger ran in the state of Washington for Governor and he won. His policies are the same, but … but different. He was the champion of GMO’s in my time line, and he’s kinda…that too here….??”
“Everything changed for me when I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. I was like, finally you know? I’ll get somewhere – -but I had a dizzy spell and felt off. The walls seemed transparent and to shift. I fell off the tiny plastic chair. Next thing I know a nurse is helping me up and handed me a bottle of water checking on me, finally we set down together and she handed me a pamphlet for my Celiac Disease and on the cover it said:
Celiac Disease there’s one thing for certain: Genetically modified wheat can’t be to blame.
Very Well Health in Alternate Time Line [2]
“In this time line Shellenberger is governor of Washington and his platform is the gluten misinformation issue and those who self-identify or display symptoms of gluten intolerance and celiac disease. People who seem at high risk are put into treatment programs and into a pipeline to get them rehabilitated and back to work.”
“I teach third grade. I have no idea how scared my family must be by now. I’m not allowed to leave. I have a sponsor and we have two group meetings a day, although most of the meetings cover customer service.”
“If you can get a word out to my family, or to anyone who can help…I appreciate it. I gotta go to the Jazz meeting now, we have a sales target that we’re all working really hard towards. Can’t let down the team. Thank you so much….and….just as a favor to me….avoid wheat and definitely don’t watch any videos about Celiac disease, google it, or talk about it with other who might over hear. Thanks.”
NOVEMBER 2023
THE OPACITY HATE-SPEECH MOVEMENT
Scrawled on the bathroom stall wall is familiar hate speech Linda James Newfounding has come to expect in her daily life, “transparent people are repulsive.” Linda is just one of millions of people who chose to have all pigmentation removed. The movement was profound and popular five years ago, but a recent far-right-activist-wrong-thinkers have targeted Linda and people like her, “sometimes they stare, and sometimes they will say something and the not knowing if I’m going to get into a confrontation just picking up some bell peppers at the store has made my life an ordeal.”
Linda, who didn’t want us to use her real name, has made concessions she didn’t think she would have to in 2028. “I started wearing clothes again.” She told us a hint of regret and sadness in her voice. “I was pregnant at the time, and the joy of being able to see the fetus growing inside my womb was magical and breathtaking. I wanted to share my journey…” her voice falters. We ask her to please tell us what happened. She stares out the window at length thoughtfully and takes a deep breath.
“Across my garage doors one day was spray painted the word, ‘BLUR’, in all caps.” Her eyes fill with tears. “Prior to that they had scrawled, ‘Bogging’ and once used to term, ‘GROTTY’.”
We prompt Linda to tell us what the word ‘blur’ means to her and her community. She quickly rolls out a description she is well familiar with having to explain to others and saying daily, “It’s an alt-right hate phrase. They say it means conformity, mediocrity, the inability to reason for oneself, but it’s actually a dog whistle of far-right supremacy and racism.”
We prompt Linda again, yeah but what does it mean? “They say we didn’t think for ourselves, that we followed a so called Judas Goat, a term from their disgusting religious affiliation, and relinquished our humanity, identity and uniqueness to fit into someone else’s agenda.”
But to your community – we push, what does it mean inside your community? “The right says we’re idiots, that the consequences of having all our pigmentation removed suits the agenda of a control grid and worse, that we’re helpless on a sunny day, disgusting to look out, they point out transparent eye lids are unsettling and scare children and that …” she take a deep breath again…”seeing an unborn fetus developing in the womb is…I can’t, I can’t repeat it.”
You are really informed on what the other side believes, or what you think they believe, but how do people within the community regard what is happening.
“Oh. It’s bad. Yeah, bad. I think that is how they would put it. Bad.”
And how do you answer people that say you’re not actually thinking for yourself, that your programmed, susceptible to mind control and suggestion, that your community was targeted with bio-regulators and nudge units to destroy your own bodies?
“Bad. It’s bad. That’s bad thoughts. Bad things to say. The alt-right is bad.”
“I’m uncomfortable with these questions, I don’t have an answer for you. You’re bad. This is a bad conversation. The people at the store are bad. People online are bad. People that aren’t like me are bad. I only trust my community and they’re online. Please follow me online. I’ll be online where it’s not bad.”
OCTOBER 2023
AI, AUTOMATIC INTUITIVE
“The smile they put on is horrifying. I’m sick and tired of their communique, the humming of the voice box, but what can any of us do? The bots are equipped with cameras, voice recognition and a fat-pipe uplink. I just always pretend to listen and agree as I don’t want put on the list. They’re creepy as hell, I want to run away but there is no where left to go.” – anonymous
“The voice was left robotic on purpose. We wanted a little uncanny valley and a mild shock value so people would listen. Some AI models were dressed by top designers, and somehow the black / grey wedding attire gained traction thus was substantially employed.” –developer
“The programming can be changed remotely because of the satellites. There is an immense amount of data across multiple domains it uploads. The self-propelled AI needs very little maintenance and is self-charging, additionally it can dynamically change parameters as needed responding to the environment. The messaging was secondary, but it has proven to be an important social modulatory tool.”
The AI judgement free from human shortcomings and fills the labor shortage of community agents. Some of the phrases people are likely to hear include:
“You have a fever. You have a fever. Please go directly to the clinic. Authorities have been notified.”
“Curfew in five minutes. Curfew in five minutes.”
“Remember citizen, report any strange and unusual thinking immediately.”
Over the past ten years thousands of people have gone missing.
There are alleged conspiracy theories that the Department of Defense couldn’t quite bridge the AI gap forwards to true reasoning until they introduced a biological element, and that element couldn’t be reproduced on a circuit board. It required a biological neurology and the cheapest source were people. Not every person is a candidate so the process of selection has been strategically improving. The mass missing person rash of 2023 where thousands were reported missing from Northern Ohio, Maui, Guam, Native American Reservations, and so forth in no way are related to the bulk release of the AI Initiative units and anyone espousing these dangerous ideas should be reported immediately under civic duty response code: 285748D.
Crow: How I changed my life
As a crow we have such rigid expectations. Sit on the bike path, wait for some humans to startle us, fly off before we get a single insect or nibble.
Every damn day the same thing. I was sick and tired of being afraid.
I stopped feeling like the looking on the sidewalk for bugs was important, and I really feel like it’s crucial to feel you’re connected to your work and I really stopped feeling that while being startled off the trail. I wanted to be fulfilled as a crow.
Eventually I just gave up. I had nothing left to lose. I was a crow on the edge. Finally one day there was a whole lumbering herd of stupid humans. I just stood there. I awaited the end of existence. I would go down fighting, but no more fluttering off a few feet until they passed. I stood my ground.
That was the day my whole life changed.
They stopped. They tossed food at my feet. They must be worshiping me as a God, and all the other crows looked over, saw the animal crackers I was showered with and how brave I was being and were agape in shock and awe. I was the ever loving shit then I tell you.
“Look Mom! A crow! It’s tame, look awww’ it’s hungry! So cute! Kawaii!”
That’s how I became a motivational speaker with two nests and 3 clutches of chicks per year. I went on to collect Cheetos, bits of bread from sandwiches and miscellaneous human food. I don’t know why I was chosen, but I was and now it’s just food raining down upon me all tourism season.
SEPTEMBER 2023
Costco Food Court Legends Split a Chicken.
Just two people who are legends in their own minds trying to spit an entire rotisserie chicken at the food court.
The food court in the local big box store Costco is a favorite location for inexpensive hot dogs, ice cream and pizza by the slice. Wednesday a clandestine meeting of fabulous legends was about to occur.
She was wearing an outfit from the 80’s complete with wide brimmed hat. The kinda eye-lace that hasn’t been made in 30 years and wasn’t that great in the 80’s truth be told. Chunky wooded high heels with decorative straps – I had a pair o those shoes in the day, a low cut shiny shirt and nylon skirt rounded out the look. She was skinny and tall, looking like a better version of the 80’s and definitely standing out inside a Costco where her eyes darted around brimmed with pity for those simpletons buying bulk dog food, herding children and trying to get in and out after work.
Her hair was cinnamon brown and long. She was self-conscious and staring around like a 1986 California cult member recently re-introduced to society.
He sat directly behind me – so, shucks I didn’t get a visual, but I glanced back and she had sat across from him. He had bought them — not an ice cream, not a nice salad, but uh’ …. yeah… an entire Rotisserie chicken from the deli section. They’re famous for being only $5 and everyone tends to gravitate towards the whole chickens to take home...but this lady is dressed up – how in the hell do you split a whole chicken neatly without getting juice and dripping everywhere and making yourself look a mess?
They had a plastic spork each, and unfortunately I had no good view but had to wonder how that was going to go down on a date. It’s bloody nerve wracking to eat in front of people anyway, but having to eat a whole chicken while being dressed up and under pressure is absurd.
So he starts bragging and bragging which also made me think they didn’t know each other too well. And the cult connection occurred to me again as they were so serious like on a secret mission. Maybe she was a girlfriend on the side, hard to say. A $5 chicken sure didn’t seem like the best way to treat a lady you’re trying to impress any who.
“Yeah, sometimes people come up to me for autographs.” He said in a serious tone of voice – I stiffled a giggle. My husband came back to the table with our ice cream we were splitting – “Shhhhh” I motioned to him – he had to hear this. “I could be 50lbs overweight” he says dramatically, “I could be any one of those people in their Star Wars t-shirts and unkept appearance.” I pointed at my husband and grinned – he had a Star Trek t-shirt on and a Star Wars t-shirt at home, he was a bit on the girth gifted side.
“But no, no I” …this really needed a crescendo… “I have to live differently from other men. To stand apart. I can’t help it if it gets me so much attention.” At this point both me and my husband were grinning ear to ear.
She muttered something I couldn’t make out but with the sincerity of a pious person at church.
And that’s the story about two glorious people split a whole chicken at a Costco food court. His litany about his greatness went on the entire time which should be a life time achievement. I wonder if she was impressed by the words that were only backed up by a cheap chicken at a Costco food court. Hmm.
LATE AUGUST 2023
Local Drug Den Blows Up (after locals pray it gone…!) Dysmal Nitch Trailer Park Update
“I’m thinking it was recreational chemistry for a masters degree you know,” Shirley winks at me, “but uh along about 11:30pm the other night, there was a massive explosion. The kind of thing that might happen if say — oh’ one was to load ammonia, drain cleaner, and a variety of things into a fire extinguisher cylinder, reseal it, and then put it on a stove to heat up.”
“Prior to this there had been an unusually large block party of outsiders, with parking being sparse the hoarder house driveway had license plates as far away as Texas, that’s uh about 3,000 miles or 5,000 km give or take. People were sleeping in their cars. We uh’ we don’t have public restrooms out here its’ worth noting… anyway…We had music blasting, people having the ‘ye old argument in the street’ yelling at each other. There were women walking with a saunter along the street in tube tops and short shorts, painfully skinny with sunken cheeks and hair that hadn’t been combed for a minute. I didn’t see the obligatory pit bull dog, but there is always a dog or two. Always. The drug den check list was checked. Every stereotype had been accounted for pretty much…” (The dogs roam loose and Shirley has a few cats that she desperately worries over).
“I will say there was a lack of lifted trucks this time, so maybe the party was a bit of a dud after all.”
“Anyway, it was rowdy, my blood pressure was up worried about fire in our dry season.” (The trailer park is adjacent to public forest area). ” All my neighbors are retired and these drug heads come in and use old abandoned trailer homes from the 60’s to cook meth in. Well, I was leaving on all my outdoor lights and praying for a miracle, and then at 11:30 pm there was a heck of an explosion. My son was investigating a full fifteen minutes before he recalled he had a mouthful of toothpaste. Gosh it was a crazy explosion. And then from party atmosphere – absolutely quiet. The dogs didn’t even bark. Calm descended like a black blanket over the whole neighborhood. I expected fire trucks, ambulances and a big kinda of response, you know? But a lot of vehicles just let out of here, reminded me of roaches when a light clicks on, not that I have roaches … but they stayed gone. It was over-over. Thank you Jesus!”
“The rain returned the very next day so no drugs and rain! So quiet. Amen! The cars vanished so sure they’re either okay or have taken care of things, but uh’ we’ll probably have some peace around here until spring I hope. fingers crossed. I retired here ten years ago, a lot of us are on fixed incomes and can’t afford to move, but the drugs are everywhere these days. It’s a sad state of affairs and I pray for our country everyday.”
“Meg says I should pray for them and feel sorry for them, well, I can’t bring myself to do either.”
–Shirley at the trailer court on the edge of town, 71 and retired.
NEWS AUGUST 2023
Announcement: Martin wants everyone to know he’s getting married this weekend. He’s 70 and getting married! She’s a clown. An actual real life clown. She is from Astoria. Since he’s stopping and telling everyone he comes in contact with about his bride the clown – we have dutifully recorded it here.
Tyrone and Larry’s Lemonade Stand Now Open!
Wait you thought a couple of good hearted, well intentioned, middle school girls were selling Lemonade? Well, they did get some help making the colorful decorated signs and hanging them up. Tyrone and Larry’s Lemonade stand is hoping to earn enough money to buy a bag of weed for the weekend. The two say they’ve had trouble because at +350lbs each and towering over 6′ tall wearing shorts and old tank tops – they may present as a little intimidating to passerby’s. The two have attempted to make cookies which are also for sale. Early on the two understood there might be trouble when it turned out that the folding table they set the lemonade pitcher and cups on as well as the cookies was above a Yellow Jacket nest.
“I didn’t know those little bastards lived in the ground” said Tyrone with two stings. “I was just standing here and the little fucker stung me for NO reason.” The two figured it was a lot of work to move the stand, so just moved their chairs a bit back and put a small post it note on the table. “Beware Bees.”
“What are they called again?” — Yellow Jackets. “Well, we’ll just call them bees, I can’t remember that. So are you going to buy some lemonade or cookies or something? Who are you?” Well good luck to Tyrone and Larry on their efforts to get stoned all weekend long, we left before telling them that the lemonade will most definitely attract the Yellow Jackets and any other wasp for that matter but we wish them all the best!
Local Plane Making a New Move!
Jill Fritz works at the Astoria airport made a startling discovery. Under this years Sturgeon moon something astonishing and rare had happened. A massive Boeing KC-135 Stratotanker and taxied in overnight and found a secluded and overgrown part of a runway to hide away.
“This is a beautiful process that not many get to see” says Jill guiding our photographer out to the far side of the runway that is seldom used and ringed by thick trees. She hushes us as we approach. “We can’t startle it!” Jill waves me on and I creep forward. At first it’s unclear but then I see – a 136 ft long Stratotanker with its 131′ wings tucked up alongside it’s body!
One of the most amazing things about the Boeing Stratotanker is its ability to shed its skin and metamorphose.
“What do you think it will be after it has shed it’s dull aluminum fuselage?” I whisper to Jill.
“See the tail? It looks like it’s growing an extra engine.” She grins broadly, “you know what that means!” I can’t believe it, I feel excitement shoot through me and we whisper together at the same time: “McDonnell Douglas DC-10!”
“I want to make my outside look my inside”
Instagram Mom and unemployed hipster caused no stirs when she posted this online Tuesday morning. She’s fat, and her hair is a frizzy poorly dyed mess of graduating colors on its journey towards her scalp. A few people nodded knowingly, yeah, she needs to get that shit taken care of – that muffin top – she looks like over proofed dough and she lets that gut swing free – good grief woman. But what came next was unexpected.
Possibly because her lack of writing precision, or an inability to fully conceptualize into writing her ideas, it came as a surprise when she remodeled the half acre suburban lawn into something akin to a circulatory system.
“This rose bush represents my heart, and I’ve run hoses and pipes all through the yard. The blue ones are veins and the red ones are arteries!”
One neighbor commented, “what the hell is this mess?”
The rose bush was promptly eaten by deer, but she says she will replace it with a life like model heart as soon as possible having found something ‘that will work’ on an eBay auction.
Long Beach Washington Trying to Shoo Away Hacky Sack Zombies
They’re middle aged. Uncoordinated. Poorly dressed. And they’re playing Hacky Sack, what are they? Zombies and Long Beach Washington is exasperated by their presence beside the ‘World’s Largest Chopsticks!’
“We can’t seem to get rid of them. They kinda kick the ball, watch it drop to the ground and then just stand there. Staring. Then eventually another of them gives it a go – and it’s 3am you know, give it a rest, you have no reflexes, you’re a lumbering zombie. Time to go to your grave, not to Marsh’s Museum!”
“We’re hoping the tourists don’t realize they’re zombies, it may put a damper on the vibe we try to rock at the “World’s Longest Beach.”
NEWS JUNE 2023
Local Hoarder Sick and Tired of Staring at Neighbors Empty Mowed Lawn
The Druggler family has worked for thirty years to stack, store, hoard and collect an astounding amount of garbage on their small lot, that incredibly contains three full sized RV’s (all packed to ceiling with random items / trash) and one smaller RV (also packed with trash) and four other non-functional vehicles (packed with trash). Incredibly the Druggler’s do have a trash can.
Recently they have been seen at odd hours scrambling about the piles of refuse and crap at odd hours. They’ve steadily been moving items from one side of the dangerous bullshit collection to the other.
The neighbors rejoicing thought the property was going to finally be cleaned and the mess rectified. Some thought they would sell and move away.
Well, early morning June 1st when a fence company arrived, everyone was shocked. The Druggler’s had only moved items on one side of the property so they could put in a privacy fence. They had had enough of occasionally glimpsing the neighbors yard that was utterly empty, the pets that were well fed and the maintained compact vehicle. By the end of the day the fence was installed and the Druggler’s was busy stacking, heaping and tossing collected garbage against it, now with enviable privacy.
OPINION MAY 2023
I’ve been noticing things lately and I’m unsettled, partial list below.
Ever notice how every flower in Dysmal Nitch faces towards you? Ever seen a field of flowers where they face away from you? I’ve been experimenting and trying to get them to bloom in a different direction, but they always line up towards people to be seen. It’s WEIRD. More experiments are required, but either the flowers want to be seen…or this might be a simulation and… it is how they are programmed. Will update soon.
If petroleum is rare and a finite resource … why is every god damn thing made of plastic? And…why are the things made from it cheaper then renewable resources? My clothes are made out of acrylic (plastic) fiber…when washed it releases microplastics into the water shed. Why the fuck are we doing that? What the fuck happened to god damn COTTON? I have questions.
OPINION APRIL 2023
New World Order Using A Really Stupid Inflexible Mind-Control Weapon
BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO STUPID AND TOO LAZY TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
OPINION
You encounter it every single day. The psychological weaponized Internet with low-frequency background broadcasts, subliminal images, captured ideological talking heads, boosted comments written by the [redacted] someone*, “de-emphasized” content that would be potentially community building banished forever. All day everyday they tare down people and community brick by brick and I guess they hope to rebuild us eventually but those idiots are allergic to actual work and would give up long before they figured out how to ACTUALLY BUILD ANYTHING. They’ve been sticking to easy this entire time: burning it all down. Breaking people beginning with the most vulnerable.
The dumb dumbs at the New World Order built a single gear engine of psychological hell and are celebrating. This entire time they could have configured it to bring about prosperity, environmental stewardship, work ethic, an appreciation of education and small acts of kindness. How f’n hard is it to program your AI’s to start spewing, “let’s use less chemicals” — c’mon. I want a spritz with my daily propaganda telling me to do something useful.
You and your weapon system is stupid. No respect from me until you do something actually clever.
“Life requires time and effort. That is to say, when we eliminate time and effort, we eliminate life’s pleasures.”
Zen BuddhisM
MARCH 2023
2 FREE Swans* Located for the 3 hole Black Lake (Frisbee) Golf Course Pond…and general dirt walking trail
This spring be sure to take a stroll past the Black Lake 3 Hole (Frisbee) Golf Course pond and admire the cherry tree planted 3 years ago by the Better Trees Committee which is now blooming and the brand new: nesting swans*. After much research the Swan Committee had agreed it was too expensive and problematic to attempt to purchase swans after a public outcry that Beard’s Hollow had them in a picturesque glade viewable via footbridge and by God, we in Dysmal Nitch are just as good as Beard’s Hollow!
Some are concerned that visitors will call them Canadian Geese, a common bird almost everywhere in the PNW which our swans resemble in every way, but with the correct signage explaining these are brown swans with flair – we think it will be generally accepted that yes, we now have swans*! Better yet, these birds have chosen to join us and thus were free of cost. The swans* are accepting donations of popcorn, bread, and seed.
* Canadian Goose
Philosophers’ Stone Revealed
February 2023
Local family surprised at surprise that they own the real philosophers’ stone.
“It doesn’t give immortality or anything fancy but it can change it’s shape. It can only be a ‘thing’ though…so right now we needed a cake pan so it’s the cake pan. Sometimes it holds the backdoor open, but it looks like a regular rock when it does that. It can’t, for instance, look like an automobile or a jet airplane. There are too many parts and alloys. We mostly transform it into pots and pans.”
Our reporter in the field noted it did indeed look identical to a cake pan and that the cake we delicious.
The reporter asked, “so, have you ever tried transforming it into a treasure map?”
The family said it had never occurred to them it could do or be anything useful.
Filed under: Pure tea
January 2023
Local Tree Served Notice & Fined , Locals Embarrassed at the Disgrace
On E. Harbor Drive this week a Hemlock tree, planted in memorium to a car wreck some 17 years ago, disgraced the entire town by falling over at some point in the recent barrage of winter wind storms.
Not only did it fall over, but it DIED first – and then fell over on a power line! (which continues to support the tree – we just have exceptional power lines, everyone agrees.)
The tree was served with a strongly worded full page indictment printed in ALL CAPS on recyclable neon pink paper and taped around the tree: twice!
Let’s hope this sends a clear message to other local trees not to mess around, grow straight, and never abdicate!
January 2023
Discount Mattress & Daycare
In the local town of Megler, population 15,000 there is a whopping 5 mattress outlets. Four of which are fronts to launder money for various drug ventures — but one, one was just a simple mans dream. A dream for which he did no research for prior to sinking in his entire inheritance. Having seen the other four stores pop up Bennie figured it must be a booming industry, “can’t fail!” he bragged.
Nobody needed over priced mattresses. Everyone already owned a mattress and they were a quarter of the price from an online retailer with free delivery. With bills mounting and no customers Bennie looked at the wide open retail space and got an idea. With a little ingenuity he soon re-opened as “Discount Mattress & Daycare.”
“It’s super” said Bennie, “when we get a customer in, I make those little shits shut up and sit quietly along the wall or else. Then when the customers leave they’re free to jump around the store and play on the mattresses.”
When asked if he had books or toys for the kids, he rolled his eyes: “it’s a store FULL OF MATTRESSES.”
Bennie has increased his revenues by a 100% — “at first I thought we might do pets too but the dogs chased the cats and when we let them out to potty they either ran away or ran away straight onto the 101 highway, that didn’t end well.” Good luck. Want to buy a mattress in our area? How about trying out Discount Mattress & Daycare.
November 2022
Road Work
Groups of county road workers have been observed forming a circle and chanting along several side streets this week. The night long rituals are described by their priest as ‘pertaining to several pot holes’ and a stop sign that was run over by a lost RV.
October 2022
Elect a New Cancer for Governor!
Across the river in Portland Oregon the governorship of the state is going up for election. All of the candidates are miserable failures incapable of finding a job in any other field – I know, I know, we wish we could give them all the job. With streets over run with crime leading the US in the increase in violent crime, up 38% from 2020 to 2021 according to the FBI, homelessness and generalized chaos, what creative ways will the candidates come up to address the situation that some have described in one word as, ‘stupid’ and other as, “beyond belief anything could be run this poorly.”
Each candidate was asked what they were going to do about the massive number of homeless on the streets. Were they going to get tougher about drugs? Deploy more police? Actually hire police? Enact security measures? Maybe more treatment centers?
Candidate Kay… “We’ll have social workers talk to the homeless, ask them, have you thought about buying one of our many half million dollar homes? If you do that, you won’t be homeless anymore. If that doesn’t work, we’ll build them little tiny houses that look like tents on the sidewalk.”
Candidate Alice…“We’ll go out and address the situation directly. We need to inform the homeless about global warming and educate them on how to fight it with us. We need a coalition people! Also although lumber and fishing are the key components to the states economy and it would destroy the lives of millions who live in the state — yeah let’s get rid of our economic cornerstone and multi-generational legacies in those industries. Socialism will fix it. Remember, we can always just import lumber and fish.”
Candidate Not Ugly like the Other Two….“If I was faced with a homeless crisis, well heck, I would leave the damn state. Seriously, that sounds terrible.” (After some further explanation and a McDonald’s kids meal later she thought up her answer…) TNR. Trap. Neuter and Release. That’s what we need to do to lower the homeless population. We did that in the suburb of Vancouver for cats and it really seemed to work. And I think you’ll agree it’s more of an idea then either of the other two candidates have had.”
The locals have commented, “These wonderful ladies have tried really hard, but they stopped studying after the first chapter on Marxism (My First Book on Governments), so they never found out how Marxism ends for countries and the people living in them. That’s really too bad because starving to death or not having fuel to heat the house over the winter sure is a bummer.”
“They really have left no doubt in my mind as a voter, that by focusing on climate change they have no idea about reality, governance, or what the job is supposed to entail. Not only do they not represent the voters of the state but their steaming incompetence will most likely do a lot further harm, but I suspect that’s the main idea. No matter who wins this shit show, we’re all going to lose. Again.”
City wide garage sale to rival Long Beach announced, confusion ensues. The peninsula’s world’s longest garage sale attracts tourism and pockets full of cash each year and it’s about time Dysmal Nitch cashed in. Unfortunately, due to a state of generalized confusion, instead of selling discounted accumulated items — the Dysmal Nitch citizens marked them up and priced them considering sentimental value. Photos of babies being born, graduations and lost teeth were some of the valued possessions put up for sale at inflated prices. A 1970’s horse silhouette in a dilapidated frame was being sold for a whopping $40. Old VHS tapes for $50. No sales were reportedly made.
Nikolai Tesla’s missing research was found in his old Dysmal Nitch home on Wednesday. It was a variety of fishing lures.
Alien Bovine Mutants
Alien human hybrids may not have caught on (sorry Bill Gates!) But alien / bovine (cow) hybrids are a smash hit.
“After decades of cattle abductions and mutilations we’re starting to see results and they are fabulous!” –sketchy anonymous informant
Maybe it seems a little strange to us that an intergalactic species would travel to our planet and fall in love with cattle, but it’s true!
This has left us all wondering, where will these new hybrids call home? And this month we have a clue! The country of Chile[1] has passed a mutant anti-discrimination and protection act. These aliens from another galaxy don’t want to end up on a bbq!
Pritikin Diet Makes a Return? Comparing and Contrasting Vegan Diet with Carnivore Diet.
“Mr. Pritikin! Your diet is back!”
Ghost of Nathan Pritikin looking pleased — ‘I told them, it could fix Diabetes, it could fix Heart Disease…‘
“About every two years a new “diet doctor” has released a book that is essentially your dietary plan, and they always get results more or less but are very difficult to stick to. A University Professor named Dr. Roy Taylor has done the research on why a low-calorie specific diet works to reverse diabetes (and heart disease?) It’s very promising.” [1]
‘Have you followed it?’
“No, actually I followed Dr. Shawn Baker and tried the Carnivore diet.”
‘Oh my God — Did it work?’
“I grew in my hair thicker I think…but I put on weight. I developed painful gout. I started having chest pressure and chest pain. I developed diverticulitis. I should have gone to the hospital twice. I thought the Vegan diet was the most destructive diet I had been in since I developed severe anemia, B12 deficiency and IBD — but turns out diverticulitis is way more painful, not to mention the pain from gout.”
“I hoped the carnivore diet would heal up my GI, give me energy (I’ve been ill for the last couple of years)– you know you hear people give these testimonials and it gets a persons hopes up. I’m so weak and fatigued, maybe it would help…maybe it would help.”
“I also noticed the same religious fervor and inability to keep anything in perspective from both groups. Any failures get chalked up to, ‘you’re not doing it right! You’re not doing it right!'”
“I had four or five Vegan cookbooks at one point and none of them had local ingredients I grew up with. There was never a good recipe using corn or green beans. It was usually exotic foreign grown ‘super foods’ with the exception of blue berries which do grow near me.”
“With the carnivore diet, although a person could use any meat and animal product, there was definitely an affinity for grass fed, grass finished beef, so again like the Vegan diet there was an element of exotic expense. Eventually some of the original beef eaters weren’t even eating beef anymore but didn’t really publicize that…also weight was an issue and they would say things like, well I gain easily so I have to fast. You had people on one meal a day and you had people fasting for 72 hours at a go in order to stay slender, and you straight up had anorexic women saying they ate beef twice a day or something but it was obvious they had deeply entrenched dangerous levels of disordered eating. You don’t look at someone whose escaped a gulag emaciated and think — wow picture of health, they look as if they could have heart failure and die at any minute.”
“Those photos though were always used as proof, but to me they were as I said – emaciated. There is no other word for it.”
“I saw that a lot in the Vegans too. A lot of disordered eating and ‘don’t tell anyone you’re Vegan if you’re over weight, bad for the brand.’ One popular cookbook writer and author in the Vegan community was telling us on the private group that she was angry at her husband, she had instructed him to tell her she was fat whenever he saw her trying to eat something. That way she would have reinforcement to not eat. He wouldn’t do it and she was frustrated and angry with him. She was on 1200 calories of high fiber hard to digest foods per day – it wasn’t much. She had really thick long hair, and I wondered how that was possible because for most of us our hair was falling out.”
“Both groups would call people, ‘skinny fat’ and I have never heard that term from a mentally healthy person with a good relationship with food. Both groups became food obsessive, I know I did.”
“It’s an idelogical religion built around food – both of them. Neither deliver. “
“I recall one Vegan lady (I recall her name, but will not mention it) raised her diabetic HBA1C from a 6.8 or 7 all the way up to an 11 following a strict healthy Vegan diet. She finally admitted maybe the carbohydrates needed cut. She cut them out and her HBA1C lowered.”
“It’s important to note the amount of bulk pesticides, herbicides and shit that gets dumped onto produce is probably way greater than we realize, far more harmful and is often imported from areas with sketchy over sight. Produce can also be dipped, zapped with radiation, and otherwise treated for shelf life. It’s not healthy and the more I ate the sicker I became. ” (Read the book, ‘The Moth in the Iron Lung’ if you haven’t already.)
“I was Vegan off and on and paying attention to the movement for over ten years. At one point everyone had to own a $500 mixer called a Vitamix, haha, and smoothies were in. Now smoothies have too much sugar or something. ”
“In the Carnivore community they had to kinda write off cholesterol levels, which they make a good case is nonsense (although my chest pain, shortness of breath and devolving health makes me think … they are probably wrong)… And they had a little bitty problem with above average fasting blood glucose levels (prediabetic ranges generally) and within a couple of years kidney issues.”
“With eating say 2-5lbs of beef at one meal a day and no carbohydrates — it exacted a pretty big load on the kidneys[1]. So you had people in great shape, evangelistic for Keto and Carnivore diets, and eating one meal a day with a really low BMI and their kidney function was not so great.”
“The Keto Carnivores said that eating meat had nothing to do with Gout, a type of really painful arthritis — yet it came up over and over again in conversations and it never was mentioned in the Vegan community. It isn’t a thing in the plant based forums, nobody has gout over there that I ever saw — but the meat eaters, yeah they had a ton of gout. My husband was Carnivore for 3 days before he said, ‘hey something is wrong with my toe, it hurts so bad, I think I must have injured it.’ Naa’ I knew what it was right off because half the turkeys on the carnivore forum had gout and so did he in no time flat. From just being around the diet my son developed gallstones.”
“Dr. Shawn Baker said that the gout is just from a fluctuation in the levels of uric acid and that when the body adapts to the diet the gout goes away and stays away. But gout is so painful it’s hard to stick with the diet to see if that is true or not. After I quit the diet, I still get gout flare ups easily and I never did before.”
“The idea too is that protein doesn’t spike insulin and blood sugar, but it does. And that can be demonstrated by type 1 diabetics handily. Dr. Bernstein’s book and his Youtube videos are exceptionally good discussions about type 1 diabetes and the bodies reaction to sugar.[1]”
“When my Dad was dying of diabetes ten years ago I started studying diet. I wanted to find out the key to reversing diabetes. I thought I could effect my own blood sugar, weight and diet then I could just email him the handy steps and done and dusted. Here we are ten years later. I buried him this year as a result of dying from Type 2 Diabetes. I was absolutely unsuccessful – and really hurt my own health from yo yo dieting over ten years in often absurd ways.”
“It also raised the question, if someone is dying — do you put them on a strict diet or do you let them enjoy their final days with some semblance of enjoyment and peace?”
“As of writing this several countries are working on engineering a new food system, so I’m not sure any of us will enjoy the food of the future but we’ll all probably be slender. New diseases will take the place of old. We’ll blame germs instead of chemicals and bad science. It will be the same ol’ shit different day — if we don’t accidentally go extinct from such hubris and meddling.”
“But if you have T2DM it’s worth looking into the work of Dr. Roy Taylor.” [1]