Visitors and tourists stopping for gas on their way out of town at Curly’s (Pit Stop) often raise an eyebrow at the dense woods across the highway curiously fenced in, as if holding top government secrets. Eight foot tall chain link fence is topped with an abundance of barbed wire, and cameras at the most vulnerable spots near the highway dot the current installed fence line with notices to KEEP OUT every fifteen feet. The expensive outlay in fencing however is up for discussion as the forest faces a rebranding and a new lease on life.
The dense young forest, less than a hundred years, covers roughly seven square miles. Although outsiders may stop to stare, it is a sure bet that no one living in Dysmal Nitch will make eye contact with the woodlands commonly considered to be cursed.
You may recall back in January when a California owned logging company suggested that their truck drivers take the direct route on the maintained highway instead of the often dangerous 20 mile dirt road detour through steep hills. Two of their best drivers quit on the spot. The California company sent a representative, who in turn called his boss, and his bosses boss and together the three men stood to stare into the woods. “It’s uncanny.” They were reported to mutter before leaving and vowing never to return. The truck drivers were allowed to continue the detour and rumor has it that they were given a small raise as a form of an apology from the company.
The forest seems particularly sensitive to insults against trees and the logging trucks never had a chance. Concerned for the safety of their families the truckers had no choice but to draw the line.
History
There are historical fortifications dating back to the beginning of World War 2 in the center of the forest as it provided cover while also access to the mouth of the Columbia River. After a difficult construction process that may have never been completed, it served its purpose less than eight weeks before being decommissioned, equipment abandoned, personnel evacuated. Military operations subsequently built Fort Columbia. No official federal record exists of the fortifications left behind. According to the Federal Government the forest and what is inside of it, does not exist and FOIA (Freedom of Information Act) requesting documents from that time period have been ignored.
During town hall meetings back in the 1980’s it was decided that the hangars and bunkers within the woods should be kept quiet as to not encourage thrill seekers.
Present Day, “iForest”, Tourists and the Installation of the Fence
The early Apple brand iPhones brought a curious issue to Dysmal Nitch. It began online and spread that a person stopped at Curly’s should most definitely take a photo of the forest if they happened to use an iPhone.
Typically a person would pull out their phone, launch the photo app and then stare open mouthed. Then you’ll see them look up away from the phone: stare at the forest intently which to them appears normal, turn back to the phone…it’s moving, twisting, writhing … and where does the color come from?!… and repeat the process unable to believe their eyes.
They take photos but a normal forest is captured. It’s maddening, inexplicable — why does the forest move, shudder, twitch and writh on the preview pane but it’s unable to be captured?
“The appearance of an apparent aura, or life force, fascinated Semyon Kirlian [1939] so much that he decided to conduct his own experiments and capture photographs of its effects. He was intent on photographing what he believed to be visible auras forming around the subject.“
Shotkit.com
So far as we know the trick of the preview pane is only available on the early iPhones, however since most Dysmal Nitch residents do not use cellular service it may be more widespread.
The photographers stare white faced at the forest – it’s alive. It’s moving. It’s angry. It’s aggressive and hungry.
The worst affected have been the van living new-age, earth loving, climate change fighting hippies. “Up With Trees!” and “In the Forest I Am Free” says the bumper stickers. The forest is peace, the forest renews the spirit, Gaia is their God — and there it is, unfortunately, stretching limbs forth like starving tendrils. Malevolent it yearns for the humans to rot and feed it’s needy roots. Food. Such hunger, endless hunger and so many humans. Delicious humans.
“Everything I thought I knew…” muttered a girl cutting off her dreadlocks in the Curly’s public restroom. “It’s all wrong, all wrong” she looks haunted and once again staff wonder if they shouldn’t put up a curtain around the forest or have made a stone fence….just expense you know? It’s expensive to contain the forest.
Another new-age idealist losing the bright stars in their eyes for a cold reality. At least they’re still alive, thanks to fence. Can you imagine had they gone in there?
The Moving Forest
The first time I saw a tree in the forest move, I admit, it was startling. I believe there was a bit of a ‘hum’ if you will, a barely audible tone. The smell of ozone, and the ground seemed semi-transparent for just a split second and then the tree just – moved. It relocated itself several feet to the right and the ground re-materialized and the tree seemed to have always stood in the mossy soil.
I would have doubted my eyes and forgot it entirely if not for the fact that most of us who live in Dysmal Nitch have had this experience.
This creates a problem for keeping an already expensive and extensively long fence structure repaired and fully containing the shifting and moving forest.
With low tax revenues and population decline it was decided last Wednesday to rename the forest “Astor Park” which is the name for fifteen other local parks and thus would blend in and not draw undo attention to itself. As a park maybe some of the security could be relaxed as the fence falls down, rusts out, needs repairs and otherwise vanishes.
Residents Weigh In
“Well most of the missing persons will be tourists, and not our friends at least” said the Deputy Mayor on Friday. “Maybe this will be a new era of cooperation and acceptance with the forest itself, we need to look at this in a positive light – anyone have any ideas on how to do that? Any?”
“Could we outlaw phones near the park?” Bertha Wise asked, Bertha being one of the oldest residents of Dysmal Nitch and having no understanding whatsoever of modern technology. No one replied to her, per usual. Poor Bertha.
“Maybe we could put up signs, like ‘beware of bears’ — you know, bears seem scary. That might keep people out.”
“Sure but we would probably accidentally murder a bunch of bear enthusiasts… I don’t want a part of that…”
“Well then, what about those ‘murder hornets‘ from over seas that have been showing up?”
“Positivity people, positivity!” Reminded the Deputy Mayor who was chewing his nails.
“An orange cone.” Bertha said abruptly. Everyone turned toward her, quiet descended, and she was elated by the attention.
“YES!” Bertha had hit upon a great solution. People know orange cones. People obeyed ORANGE CONES. The City Works Department just happened to have an extra orange cone.
The meeting concluded the current fence most definitely should be someone elses problem – the Feds? The State? Yeah – but not them. It was simply too expensive to maintain. But they would deploy an orange cone and a hand painted sign on some drift wood to say, ‘Astor Park’ and with any luck the matter could float downstream to be a problem for a different person on a different day.
However….if you’re a visitor to Dysmal Nitch and maybe years of fluffy propaganda TV programming about the beauty of nature and rewriting reality, has had you waxing poetic about our forests and trees – please do not stop by Astor Park and do not try to photograph it – but especially, depending on the fence, do not go into the forest.
Authors Notes: Photographs are from Lewis and Clark National Park, Fort Stevens State Park and the Tilamook Air Museum. Apple phone image is from their web site with Photoshoped tree.
