Fort Stevens’ Astral Spiders: Just Hanging Around

Across the River in Oregon

This year the Steven’s woods was struck by formidable challenges that directly lead to an overpopulation of Astral Spiders. First the forest found itself occupied with an intoxicated violent transient encampment (that dumped trash and defecated in the woods). Then in the main park an influx of tourists heavy with negative energy tossed frisbees. Finally a large number of trees died due to unusual weather and toxic dumping of chemicals leftover from illicit dug manufacturing .

Locals are now dealing with an oppressive over population of astral spiders – not in the woods around their homes: In their homes! Normally an important spiritual aspect of the forest living in symbiosis with the trees while passively benefiting the fauna and protecting many vulnerable forest species, Astral Spiders are an important invisible part of nature.

Without their usual habitat, the spiders awoke from hibernation to crawl forth from the woods and seek out unusually intense spiritual energy. Once away from the forest they become pests . They attach themselves inside the homes of the fearful, anxious, angry, addicted and paranoid to fatten up, no longer kept in check or living in balance with the forest they are designed to serve.

“I thought I was dealing with a spiritual vampire. I was tired all the time and every bad habit I tried to control… I was sitting around my house high on meth watching CNN and eating fried chicken from a bucket. I was out of control.”

–local who had his RV infested with more than a dozen entities.

THE US GOVERNMENT HATES ASTRAL SPIDERS.

The USGS Paranormal Unit deployed chemtrails for twenty-four hours with half a dozen planes over Fort Stevens State Park. Chemical spraying seems to have had little effect so far…

Shortly afterwards the temperature in the park ran above the century mark. It was so bright and hot that it was going to smash temperature records. Phone calls were made. Ice was added to temperature gauges and the official record massaged.

“You did not experience high temperatures.”

–USGS Paranormal Unit, Who changed the daily recorded temperature to 79 degrees fahrenheit.

After a few short minutes under inferno even the most sun screened person burned. The top secret spray is said to contain holy water, sulfur, radioactive barium and tin oxide.

Sweaty locals with unfixed eyes no longer believed what their body told them: it was damn hot. “It can’t be hot. We’re told it’s only 74.. or was it 77? Either way, you are mistaken, you must hate science, I cannot talk to you again.” Yup, you guessed it, they were being sucked dry by an astral spider and believed whatever the media pitched them.

In one neighborhood a hoarder with variable mental health and outwardly high-chaos had drawn an amazing number of astral spiders into their property — spiders taking up every corner ranging in size from a dinner fork to a D10 dozer with colors ranging from pitch black to neon orange, even some iridescent ones that sounded like the ocean, but in such abundance they were absolutely out of control. The lonely resident finally set fire to the trash in their backyard in a desperate bid to be rid of the damn things. The anger and panic burn however was a giant lure for the Astral spiders that hung about inside and outside the residence and opportunistically fed on any who entered or who were nearby and who affixed themselves to passerby’s to hitch hike to a new residence.

Local fire officials were loathe to intervene in the trash fire, because bringing home a ‘hitch hiker’ would undoubtedly scare the children (who can usually natively see them) and cause distress for everyone else. A note was taped to the mailbox, “please don’t do that again, thanks.”

Terminus Pagan Coven of PDX was contacted, they denied the existence of Astral Spiders and thus their status was changed to ‘club’ instead of coven.

Tree Hugger Online gave us the following tips regarding Astral Spiders who they recommend do not feed, harbor or engage with:

1. It’s Illegal

It is against the law to try to raise Astral Spiders in captivity. Every so often we see these in the illegal pet trade but it is well to remember that not only is this against the law but they are invisible to most humans.

2. You Can’t Domesticate an Astral Spider

Domestication is a process that takes centuries and which has never been proven with supernatural entities.

3. Wild Animals Carry Diseases

Bringing an Astral Spider into your home exposes your whole family — you, your kids and your pets — to slowly and methodically being spiritually fed upon. Exhaustion, anxiety, fearfullness and panic attacks are just some of the many symptoms that affected people display.

4. They Don’t Stay Little Forever

Baby Astral Spiders, by their very nature, are hard to resist, in part because they are typically invisible. They are incredibly cute and appear dependent upon others for their very survival. But within a few months, those babies grow up and their natural instincts kick in and they begin to feed on their human hosts. This is usually the time that most people release it back into the wild. But the problem is that it has gorged on human emotions and no longer wants to live in balance with the forest or trees.

5. They May Not Need Rescuing

If you really think an Astral Spider is in trouble, call a local wildlife center to ask for advice, but don’t bring it home, and don’t allow it to attach itself to your back for a free ride home. You won’t be doing your family any favors.

Let us hope that by this time next year the chaos of our society has calmed and the Astral Spiders will calmly make their way back into their designated nitch in the big Fort Stevens Wood.

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Note: Ep. 228, UFO Chronicles Podcast covers Astral Spiders with medium Sarah, interviewed by Nik Hunter.